I hear a very similar story in my office weekly, after all the other symptoms, issues and problems come out, a woman will quietly confess, “I have no libido. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I love my partner and I’ve made sure he doesn’t know, but I don’t have any sexual desire.” Ouch! Her despair is palpable. First, please believe me when I say, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, female hormones change DAILY! It’s normal to have ebbs and flows! However, it is not normal to go months or years without feeling desire. It can be destructive to your self image, and to your relationships. There are many reasons for a dip in desire and some require a deep dive with a health team member. Other times it can be simple and things just need a little nudge. Here are a few nudges in the right direction.
Nudge #1 Breathe- yup, breathe! If your cortisol levels are high (a.k.a. you are stressed out) your body will steal all those juicy, turn you on, heat you up, keep you happy hormones and shunt them right over to stayin alive. It will literally steal the building blocks and make more and more stress hormones. If you’re super stressed then you’re probably not feeling very romantic. Your body is yelling, “Hey, give me sleep, forget that other stuff!” Besides all the common stress management tools and reprioritizing you can quickly drop your cortisol levels by doing a simple breathing technique known as 5-5-5. Breathe in slowly for 5, hold it for 5, breathe out slowly for 5. Repeat at least 5 times. Repeat the entire procedure at least twice a day. Studies have shown that this drops cortisol levels within minutes. (1)
Nudge #2 Turn up your self- care so that you have more to share. If you are giving, giving, giving, from an empty cup you may have nothing more to share in the romance department. So dial back, delegate, use boundaries, say no, identify your needs and ask for support. Can I say that again louder? If handing over some tasks or responsibilities to a partner reduces your resentment and depletion then your partner wins in the end because they now have an engaged, relaxed, woman with energy and enthusiasm.
Nudge #3 Follow your nose. Scent can be a powerful Nudge. There are some essential oils that are considered through testing to be true “aphrodisiacs.” However, I’ve found that for my clients it’s the scent that personally lights you up that works. So if you’re a floral type look at jasmine, rose or neroli. Citrus your thing? Try some lime and orange. A little spicy maybe… cinnamon, clove, with orange and a dash of mint. Studies show men tend to respond more to the spicier scents, but I think a man responds to whatever scent gets his partner in the mood. All that being said, Ylang, Ylang is the classic when it comes to igniting the passions. Create a roller bottle with a few drops of your favorite or a combination with a carrier oil of your choice, fractionated coconut, jojoba and almond oil are all options. Roll on pulse points or the inside of your ankles for women. You can also create a custom massage oil blend the same way. Or simply add a few drops of your combo to a diffuser.
Nudge #4 Try a botanical- again there may be hormonal issues that require deeper investigation with a health team member and you should always make sure of medication interactions before trying botanicals or herbs. One I often recommend for women is called X-action Women’s by Nature’s Sunshine which you can find here, it works by increasing circulation to the ahem, lady parts, helps your body deal with stress and it contains Maca, which is a well known herb for supporting the female system. (2) Maca also has been shown in studies to reduce perimenopausal and menopausal hormonal discomfort (3) which can be directly related to decreased libido.
Give things a little nudge and see where they go….
1. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27995346/